Say Goodbye - Chris Brown

This song will never leave my head. It means a lot to me. I first heard it last May 24, 2009. Not because I was left with somebody nor I leave someone. It has nothing to do with my love life. I will never forget this song because it was the song playing before the devastating thing in our life happened.


May 24, 1009, I was sitting beside my mother who was comfortably lying on the hospital bed. She didn't wake up that morning. The last time I saw her awake was last night. I even waved my hand to say goodbye to her. I never thought that it was the last time I'll see her looking at me. I still remember that my brother asks me if I am ready if my mother decided to leave us, I just answered, "If that's the way it should be". A tear fell my eyes when I said that. I honestly can't accept that fact. Not this soon please. T.T

My brother arrived at lunch time. He brought us food. He asks if my mother wake up that morning. I said she didn't. He went to my mother's feet and bite it but still no reaction from my mother. I'm starting to get worried too. I stopped the music and ask what is happening. He went out the room to ask the nurse. Few minutes, she called for the doctor. Few minutes later, the doctor talked to my brother, then my brother started to cry. I don't know what's happening. All I know is that the situation were in is not good and on the way to worst.


I asked my brother what was happening, he said my mother was in a state COMATOSE. When I heard that, my world stopped literally. As if there was a bomb explode in front of me. I went to the restroom inside my mother's ward and then I let my tears fell down. I am not used to this feeling. The feeling that my heart was broken into pieces. The numb feeling, hands shaking and tears keep falling. I want to scream to let the hurt go away but I can't. I cry there for minutes. I calm myself and get out. I don't want them to see my vulnerable side. I don't want them to see I'm crying. I must be strong so I FAKED being strong. I am good at pretending, y'know.


I called at our house to inform the bad news. I spoke with my sister-in-law. Hour passed, all my brothers went to the hospital. I have this hope in me that she will wake up. I know she will. I was hoping that she will open her eyes and I can see her smile again. But, I am hoping for impossible that day. My brother told me that if a person is already in the state of comatose, there is a no possibility that she will wake up. That truth hurts. And it sucks.


Hours later, at 4:15pm, she finally bid goodbye. That was when my father arrived at the hospital, I saw that she opened her eyes so my brother rushed to call the doctor and then she took three deep breaths and ...gone. In a split of seconds she was gone forever. For the second time that day, I felt my world stopped. There is no such word to explain the feeling. My tears went falling again. It was like rain that keeps on falling.


What can be more devastating than losing your mom? It was like a nightmare I'm trying to escape. All my dreams went blur. I know I have to continue my life even if I'm INCOMPLETE and I know I will never be WHOLE again. A certain part of me died and I don't know how to live with it. It kills me because I won't able to do anything. I can't save her.  All I can do is to be with her side. And that's not enough. She carried me for nine months and took care of me until I grow up. She even forget about herself because of me.


Chris Brown said ..


"There's never a right time to say goodbye
But we know that we gotta go
Our separate ways
And I know it's hard but I gotta do it,
And it's killing me
Cause there's never a right time
Right time to say goodbye"


Yes. There's never a right to say good bye. Good bye's are forever. They say that a person died when he/she was forgotten. But my mother will always live in my heart. She's the reason with whatever I do with my life. I want to make her proud. Few months from now, I will graduate in college. I can now make her dream come true. Just a few months from now ..

That was our last picture together.

I LOVE you so much Nanay.

You're the most CARING, STRONGEST, LOVING and BEST mother in whole wide world.

I am willing to do ANYTHING just to see you and hug you again even if it will only last for seconds. 

There is no such word to describe how much I love you as well as losing you.

You will always be in my heart no matter what.

I will miss you forever.

I will not bid you my good bye, I'll just see you later ..

The person I know since the two of us were in diapers .. :)

Meet my very first best friend. :))


She is Maria Liezel Futalan, aka Zhel. Ahm. I know that she developed many screen names as we grow old but I will stick to her first nickname.


I've known her since I was a kid. She is a year older than me. I have no sister so i treated her like my own sister. I still remember that we go to school together. We laugh, play, tell stories and DREAM together. We always hang-out together at our house. We were contented playing dolls and paper dolls. I still remember that we go to girl's scout camping together. It's already late and our friends are preparing to sleep but the two of us were hiding in a blanket and eating her baon. The two of us were just using flashlight. I am lying on the floor and she sat beside me. I still remember my naughtiness when I stole her meat and eat it all without her knowing. She was looking for it and all I can do is to burst out in laughter. Morning came, we were called our teacher saying that our Mother were in the camp site, we don't have a clue until we saw them. They brought us breakfast! Haha Talk about our loving mother. Those were the days ....

I still remember our very first major fight. It was when we are grade six and we are so immature and gullible to our own friends. I still remember that I was acting a drama princess not talking her for weeks and the next thing I knew was were friends again. Haha Sorry, I wasn't able to recall exactly what happened. 


We got separated when we entered high school. We studied in different school. I met new best friends and I am guilty with it. I am guilty because I left my best friend alone. I am GUILTY leaving her but i don't REGRET meeting new best friends okay? I love my best friends in high school. I can say that Zhel and I have crossed different paths in high school. We met new friends and people. I nearly forget about her. :( I'm sorry. T.T


But we just hang-out again with each other. I don't know what happened. All I know is that we started hanging out again. Telling stories 'till dawn. Walking and eating burger to our favorite place. Eating ice cream together. Going everywhere together. I remember she was the one I am with when I was buying for my very first kikay kit. I also introduced her to my new friends in high school. 


She's always at my side. In good times or in bad times. We share our stories blow by blow. We can talk everything under the sun. She's like a sissy to me. :) I'm glad she's there to back me up when I was down.


I will never forget the time when my mother died. She never left my side. She's always beside me wherever I go. She sleeps at home during my mother's wake. It was her arms who keeps on hugging me and giving me the courage to walk my mother to the cemetary. I know that she's also crying with me that day. I was so blessed to have her.


I know I was unfair. I'm sorry if I wasn't on her side when his father died. I tried to come to the hospital but apparently, her father died that day. I'm not on her side when that happened. I'm sorry. :( T.T


That week was midterms week i guess. I remember reviewing Political Science during his father's wake. I wasn't able to stand by her side on the day of her father's burial. I can't absent on school because I have a exam that day. I was rushing to go home. The least thing that I did was to follow her to her father's tombstone. When I arrived there, her family is getting ready to leave. Talk about being late! Tsk. I'm sorry about that .. :(( I'm really sorry.


They said that there's always a rainbow after the storm. After that devastating incidents, we continued to live our life happily, even though INCOMPLETE.

Overnight at Linden's Suite Hotel on October 2009.

That's us celebrating Valentine's Day on 2010.

Summer 2010. :))

It was also summer, I just don't remember what year. 0_o

Trippings together. :)

Celebrating my debut last September 2010.

Drinking session with my HS friends. :)

First Alay-lakad together. :))

January 9 this year. :))

I believe this was our last hang-out together. February this year.

It was nice reminiscing noh?

Zhel,

Even though I don't like your boyfriend, I will ALWAYS love you. He has nothing to do with my love for you. I know were not in good terms because of him. I know you don't like to choose, and you DON'T have to choose. I know that you will not choose me over him. Haha :p

You were my better half and you contributed a lot for who am I now. I know I'm such a meanie and I'm sorry for that.

I will love you forever!

:))

I'm running out of words.

There is no such word to describe i am so happy and blessed to have you. :))

The One That Got Away - Katy Perry

"Summer after high school when we first met

We make out in your Mustang to Radio head
And on my 18th birthday we got that chain tattoos
Used to steal your parents' liquor and climb to the roof
Talk about our future like we had a clueNever plan that one day I'd be losing you"


You can find love anytime. And when that time happen, your world will revolve to each other. You will start dreaming together and will start to make plans for each other. You will dream for a perfect life together. You will give each other some thing that will symbolize your love for each other. A promise ring, a heart necklace, bracelet with your names engrave in it, a dog tag with your picture in it. Anything. If it is possible to rip your heart and give it to the one you love, you will do it right? But wait, a tattoo is cooler than that. (Uh-uh,I am wishing that someday, I'd also find that man who will the same tattoo as mine. ;) ) But let's face it, not all love story has a happy ending. Not all couples will grow old together. Somewhere down the line, you will lose that one and if that happens, you will do EVERYTHING just to have it back. 


"And in another life I would be your girl
We keep all our promises, be us against the world
And in other life I would make you stay
So I don't have to say you were the one that got away
The one that got away"

You can lose someone with many reasons. Maybe because you just let him/her to go, or it was destiny that wanted it that way. Because of this, you have to treasure the times that you two were together. 

I am nineteen years old and I only got ONE boyfriend. And that was way back when I graduated high school. It only lasted for .. well, three months? Ohh, you can say that were just fooling around ourselves, but I loved that boy. Kind'a. I was a transferee on their school and he was the first boy that caught my eye. Until fourth year high school, he's my one and only even if I have been wooed with some other guys.


But apparently, we broke up after three months . I was so bitter that I never had another boyfriend after him. I want to believe that it was both our fault, but the people who knew the issue knows better. In our situation, he was the one who got away ... but maybe, I JUST let him .. :(


"I was dreaming you were my Johnny Cash
Never one, we got the other, we made a pact
Sometimes when I miss you, I put those records on, whoa
Someone said you had your tattoo removed
Saw you downtown singing the blues

It's time to face the music, I'm no longer your muse"

And in another life I would be your girl
We keep all our promises, be us against the world
And in another life, I would make you stay
So I don't have to say you were the one that got away
The one that got away

The one, the one, the one
The one that got away"


I realized that you can lose the one you love in just a snap of your finger. You can lose EVERYTHING and the only thing that will left you is REGRET.


"All these money can't buy me a time machine, no
Can't replace you with a million rings, no
I should've told you what you meant to me, whoa
'Cause now I pay the price

In another life I would be your girl
We keep all our promises, be us against the world
And in another life, I would make you stay
So I don't have to say you were the one that got away
The one that got away


Loving someone is not just a walk at a park.
It isn't always a happy ending.
You should treasure your boy/girl as long as you can hold his/her hand.
Love, fight, and smile together.
You can't bring back the time that was put into waste, instead, do things better.
If you love him/her, say it.
If you did something wrong, apologize.
If there is someone whose trying to destroy your love, hold tight each other's hand.
Loving someone is all about about loving his flaws also.
Love real.
Loving someone is not about counting how many years you have been sharing moments but counting how many moments you have been sharing.
You can experience true love even in a short span of time ..
It just depends to you how you will do it right.


"The one, the one, the one, the one

And in another life I would make you stay
So I don't have to say you were the one that got away
The one that got away"